Emotional upheaval can be good and bad. For the most part, it's bad. It just plain sucks. Feeling horrible, tortured, sad, upset, etc. is not fun. Today I'm trying to channel things. But it's hard. My mind is reeling, my heart and soul hurts.
It was such a busy day even before things went south. So I didn't even get a chance to write. That already put me in a edgy place. If I didn't mention it before, if I don't write I don't feel like me. The world isn't right when I don't write. Tomorrow grades are due for seniors, so I've been busily getting grades done and updated, running various errands during my prep period. I had no down time. Then stuff happened. Anger, disappointment, hurt, bubbled and boiled inside me. It was so bad that I couldn't yell and scream. I was beyond that. I just felt my insides constantly shaking. I desperately tried to control my feelings and find a way to be reasonable about stuff. Ultimately, there was no reason behind things, nothing could justify what happened. And I'm not going into specifics here. There's no point really. Needless to say, I was wounded deeply about something and even now, while I can allow myself to get distracted with other things for varying amounts of time, my heart is not right.
I've stared at the same line in the chapter I'm working on since I got home - when I pull up the file. I've rewritten the line. That last line. The main character and I are in such vastly different places right now. Granted, that's usually the case. Often times, her mood helps elevate me. I can get lost in their lives. I get pulled into the gravity that surrounds that universe. This afternoon, unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
I want to channel this energy (negative as it may be) differently. It's given me some ideas for future storylines and chapters. I just have to get my mind in the right place to write. Hopefully, as the minutes and hours tick by tonight, I hope to release this heavy weight in my head and heart. I need to be able to express myself in my book by tonight. I don't want today's event to own me so much.
Tomorrow will be a busy day. Grades are due. It'll be Grad Nite and I'm chaperoning. I've been many times before. I hope to be able to get some writing and editing done. Maybe even work on my letters to agents.
I really need to channel how I'm feeling right now. Even if my characters aren't experiencing the emotions because of what happened to me (which they won't/can't), the feelings I have can be experienced through some other event.
I asked some other people to read my first book. One of the comments I recieved asked if it was what happened to me. They thought it did. I took it as compliment since the emotions and thoughts really came alive for the reader. Right now, I'm trying to hang onto that feeling I got when I was told this.
